Wanted: Better Role Models

Parker was helping me unload the dishwasher and I caught him licking several dishes! I'm guessing he learned this technique from the dogs. For the record, the dogs are totally uninterested in clean dishes, but I have to fight them off when loading it...especially if I have just made Parker a PB&J.

4th of July

Dear Neighbors,

     Happy Independence Day! The 4th of July is a great time to reflect on the freedoms bestowed upon us by our forefathers. While I am sure any good lawyer could argue your right to "blow shit up" is covered under the Bill of Rights, I believe my family and I also have a right to more than 4 hours of sleep a night. As I assume you are busy recovering from a 2 day hangover and worrying about permanent hearing loss; let me quickly summarize the basis of many, many US Supreme Court arguments. Basically, if the expression of your rights and freedoms infringes on my rights and freedoms, we can throw down.

    Every year, I watch you, your friends, and family sit in your garage, guzzling beers bathed in the soft red glow of your neon beer sign. I assume you carefully save these aluminum beer cans in the hopes that someday you will have chugged and saved enough to supplement your expensive illegal fireworks habit. Based on your window rattling pyrotechnic display over the past 2 days I would assume your 2012 goal was to:

A) Not remember any Friday or Saturday nights from July 2011-July 2012 and

B) Buy 1000's of dollars worth of the loudest and brightest fireworks your 5th grader could possibly set off.

  Please consider this letter a friendly warning. Tonight, should you continue, what has become a nightly barrage of the neighborhood; I will be forced to take action and forever be known as that crazy bitch that lives 2 doors down.


Sincerely,

Amy


P.S. Just in case I am unable to come within 500 feet of your residence later this year, please refer to this letter when planning your New Year's celebration.

Toddler Play

Trying to play with a toddler is like trying to play with a Schizophrenic...

Toddler pulls out his giant bin of cars and dumps them on the ground. Mommy grabs the race track and puts it together. Toddler races 3 cars, crashes 2 together then runs off to cook something in his kitchen.

Toddler wants to wear his apron while cooking. Mommy ties apron on toddler as he races to his tool bench.

Drill and hammer are used for 2.5 nanoseconds, then tossed aside to run around the living room dragging a stuffed dog on a leash.

Dog gets abandoned as the contents of the book shelf are emptied on to the floor. Toddler scoffs when it is suggested we could read one of the 50 books scattered across the floor.

Flashcards are spotted and tossed around like flower petals at a wedding.

Mommy collapses on the floor as Hurricane Parker finishes destroying the living room.

Two!

We have been trying to get Parker to say two and hold up two fingers when people ask him how old he is, but haven't had much luck.

Last night, after getting home an hour after bedtime, Parker was fighting the usual bedtime routine. I told him it was bedtime and we were going to brush teeth, get into pj's, and read one book. That little booger furrowed his brows, held up two fingers and said, "Two!"

And sure enough, we read two books before bed.

I learned it by watching you!

Parker is really starting to voice his opinions and is more than happy to let you know when you piss him off. If you happen to be sitting where he wants to sit, blocking his path, or standing with you foot over the shower drain when he is trying to pour a cup of water down said drain; he will furrow his brow, pout his lips, yell "mooooove!" and try to push you out of the way.

As you can imagine, I am not happy with the mooooove rudeness. I have been trying to correct the behavior and telling him "you don't need to be rude!" This has been going on for a few weeks and I haven't been able to break him of this terrible habit.  Last night, I asked him "who taught you to act like this!?" Then, this morning while trying to get ready, the dogs were following me around and seemed to always be in my way. Frustrated, I yelled "move!" and tried to push Ike out of the way.

Well shit, the incredibly rude bad influence appears to be me.

Awesome, now I have to remember to say please and thank you to two slobbering dogs!